Bound
by zulija
Summary: What does it take for someone to forget the person she loved most? Is it impossible? A Shenko/Shega love triangle. It's a hard and long way to true happiness. Rated M for a reason.
1. Chapter 1

He watched her. His eyes feral. She emptied glass after glass with ease. The darkness of the corner didn't allow her to see him. She was angry. He was worried. She used the alcohol to drown her anger. He just watched her to drown his concern. Again, she ordered another round, again she emptied it with ease. Again, the waitress came to ask him if he wanted something to drink. Again, he said no. All he wanted was to watch her, to see her anger, her pain, her face. To study her. He followed her here after something happened to her. He didn't know what, but Alenko stormed out of her room, angry. Moments later she stormed out too, angry and crying. He knew she would be here, like she always was. He knew. He followed her into the darkness unable to control his body, his legs moving on their own accord. He knew he was becoming a stalker. But he couldn't help himself.

She drank and drank, and after what felt like hours, she stood up. He watched her as she stumbled to the bar to pay for her drinks. Then he watched her as she stumbled away to the exit. He kept his eyes on hers in hope she would see him. But she didn't. She just kept walking. Then she left the bar, and again his legs moved on their own. He followed the path she took seconds ago. He could see her in the distance. She stumbled on her legs a few times but she always managed to steady her body with a hand on the wall. He wanted to make sure she's okay, that no one harasses her while she walks home. And he wanted to see for himself that she's fine.

He kept his distance from her and followed her as silent as possible. The walk seemed never ending mostly because of her stumbling around. She couldn't walk straight, but he wouldn't help her. He knew she wouldn't want it. So he silently followed her. Finally, they reached the last stairs to her building. She stopped and placed her hand on her forehead. He stopped and watched her for a few moments. Then he panicked when she fell on the ground. She wasn't unconscious though, but he couldn't watch her trying to stand up on her own. He went to her. He grabbed her shoulders gently and lifted her on her legs. Her head spun to him as she opened her eyes. His one hand was wrapped around her waist while the other held her hand. He held her close to him as he led her up the stairs.

"J-James? Wha' are you doin' here?" She mumbled out, her breath smelling like the cheap wine she was drinking. He didn't answer her though, afraid that she would send him away if she heard his voice. Her body relaxed in his arms as they reached the final stair. But still he held her. He refused to let go and see her stumble around again. She realized the ground was 'even' again and she tried to break free from his hold. But she couldn't. All he did was tightening his hold on her. She didn't complain though, and so they walked up the two floors. They reached her apartment. She fumbled in her pockets to find the key, she took it out but dropped it on the floor.

"Damn." She mumbled out, and when she leaned down to grab it she almost fell again. But he caught her and gently set her down on the floor. He took the key and unlocked her door. Then he lifted her again, and again he held her close to him as they entered her apartment. He closed the door with his leg and led her inside to her living room. Then to her bedroom. She relaxed in his arms which made it easier to walk.

"He hurt me again." She mumbled out as her head fell on his shoulder. They entered the bedroom and she somehow turned and stood in front of him now, her forehead leaned on his shoulder, her hair brushing his jaw. "Why does he keep doin' that?" Then she shook and cried. He looked around the room, trying to think of something to say, or do.

"It's not your fault Lola." He whispered against the top of her head. Somehow, she lifted her head to meet his gaze.

"But why is he sayin' it is? Why is he?" She shook her head and grabbed his collar to bring him closer to her. She let out a loud sob. "He's hurting me." Then she cried again. She was hurt and hopeless in his arms. His heart jumped up to his throat.

"He's a pendejo, Lola." Then she burst into a drunken laughter, her face lightning up with amusement, even though her face was wet.

"You- you keep callin' him that. I don't even know what it means. But it sounds funny." She kept laughing but he kept serious. This was not the first time the major made her cry.

"It means 'motherfucker'." Again, she laughed.

"Oh my. That suits him." She said laughing as he led her towards the bed. Her hands were still holding his collar. Something kicked in then. She didn't know why she felt the sudden urge to kiss him, but that's what she did. She yanked his face close to hers. He didn't have the time to react as his lips fell on hers. His heart skipped a beat when he felt the heat and softness of her lips. But this was wrong, he knew she was vulnerable now. He grabbed her shoulders and gently pushed her back a little. Enough so he could stare into her eyes.

"What the hell?" He couldn't be angry. Not when he longed for the same thing. But not like this. Not when she's drunk and still caring for the major. She kissed him again. Again her soft lips fell on his. Again he wanted to deepen the kiss. But no. "Lola stop it." He pushed her away again. He saw the sadness in her eyes, on her face.

"Why?" She moved her face so close to his he could feel her breath on his face. "Why are you denying this?" She yanked him closer to her, his nose now touching hers. "Don't you like what you see?" She yanked his collar again. "Am I not good enough?" Her lower lip was quivering. But as much as he wanted to have her, he couldn't. Not like this.

"Lola. You're drunk. You'd regret it." She laughed then and finally, released his collar. She took two backwards steps and shook her head.

"Oh right. I'm drunk. Sorry..." She mumbled out the apology. She went to the bed and lied down. He knelt down and removed her boots. He took the sheet and covered her with it. "You're a sweetheart James." Then he smiled, both from happiness and relief when he saw her closing her eyes.

"You're too, Lola. Good night." Then he stood up and left, ignoring his mind to go back to her and at least lie down next to her. Luckily, his legs moved on accord of his brain. Moments later he left her apartment, but he didn't walk home. He went back to the bar to drown his arousal. To forget the kiss and the longing. To forget her soft lips. He knew he would need a lot of booze for that.


	2. Chapter 2

He sat up on his bed, thinking he heard someone knocking on his door. He rubbed his eyes, trying to adjust to the darkness of his room. He looked at his clock, it was 2 am and he wondered if he was dreaming. Then he heard the knocking again. He pushed the sheet aside and went out of his bedroom in nothing but his boxers. He forgot to put on some sweatpants. Another banging made him speed up, and it made him annoyed.

"I'm coming, dios!" Finally he reached the entry door to his apartment. He opened the door and first he thought he was dreaming. He blinked, once, twice, then he rubbed his eyes to make sure he was seeing correctly. He blinked again and he was sure he wasn't dreaming. "Lola?" He said, still sleepy, as he admired her from head to toe. She wore tight, dark blue jeans and a black tank top. That's all she wore. She crossed her hands in front of her chest, her shoulder leaned on the wall now as she looked at him.

"I'm not drunk now." The sentence seemed meaningless, but he knew what she was referring to. He knew what she meant. His eyes fell down and he realized he was in nothing but his dark grey, loose boxers. He blushed.

"Ah...Lola, you-" She interrupted him when she took a step to him, her breasts pressing against his chest. He sucked in a sharp breath at the sudden closeness and he couldn't ignore the heat, the arousal he felt when he felt the soft swells of her breasts. He was certain she wore no bra. "Shepard-"

"I'm not drunk. I'm sane, James. I know what I'm doing." She placed her palms on his chest and prompted herself up on her toes, but stopped. "And I'm here." She whispered against his jaw. His heart raced, her cold hands send a pleasant shiver down his spine. He didn't know what to say, or do. He was speechless. But this wasn't like the last time a week ago. This was something entirely different. He could see the want in her eyes, her slightly open mouth. He never looked away from her as he finally found his voice.

"Lola," he knew that the next thing he would ask could kill the mood, but he had to ask "what about the major? What about your feelings for him?" She sucked in a sharp breath as she dug her fingernails slightly into his skin.

"I can't let him and the past I had with him hold on to me. He's...choking me. And I can't," she moved an inch closer "I won't let it ruin my present." Then her eyes found his as her lips feathered on his chin. "I have to move on." She inched closer again. "And this is how I will move on."

"I can't be your anchor or saving grace. You'll still feel the same for him." She locked her eyes with his again and smiled weakly.

"I don't want him anymore James." She whispered against his lips. "I want you. I need you." She said, before she kissed him. His eyes immediately fell close when she kissed him. He wanted to back out, to tell her that this is wrong. Then she deepened the kiss, and he was lost. So lost he couldn't find himself any longer. His hand immediately wrapped around her waist and pressed her flush against his body. She moaned and he swallowed her moan. He held her in the air when he brought them inside. He locked the door, but still held her with one arm and never breaking the kiss with her. She wrapped her hands around his neck in hope to deepen the kiss even more, but it was impossible. Their tongues danced and fought, their teeth clashed and bruised each others lips.

Finally they reached his bedroom and he put her down, his hands immediately working on the button and zipper of her jeans. When the jeans opened, he pushed them down as much as he could without breaking the kiss. He slowly fell on his knees while pushing her jeans down her legs, and was stunned when he saw her wearing a black lace thong. He stood up and grabbed the end of her tank top, yanking it over her head as she raised her hands. And indeed, she had no bra. His hands fell on her breasts as he kissed her again. He kneaded them, gently, then tweaked her hard nipples with his fingers. She moaned again as he pushed her towards the bed until she fell down. He towered over her as he resumed his hot kisses. Her hands stroked his chest, her legs wrapped around his waist. His hand was gripping her rear as the other teased her nipples.

He kissed her neck, then her jaw, her chest. He bit a nipple and teased it for a while until he went lower to kiss her stomach, going lower and lower until he reached the hem of her thongs. He didn't push them down, he just pulled them aside. Seeing thongs on her was just too sexy for him. Her hands were on her breasts as she watched him. She bucked her hips slightly, inviting him. It didn't take him long until he started to lick her. He dreamed of this. Many nights when he was alone. To taste her, to eat her. To him, she tasted wonderful, like the sweetest honey. Her nub was swollen with want, and he loved the sounds she gave out when he licked it. He would take her nub gently between his teeth, then flicker his tongue over it only to hear her moan and beg. Soon she came around his mouth and he almost reached his limits of self control.

After she came down, she could feel the tip of his rock hard erection pressing against her lips. She bucked her hips again. Then he pushed inside. All to the hilt, and she saw stars. He felt amazing, overwhelming, he made her crazy. First, he was still above her, readjusting her to his length and width. He used the moment to kiss her, deeply. She could still taste herself on his tongue and mouth which aroused her even more. Then, after he broke the kiss, he started to move. Long, slow thrusts which drove both of them insane. She was so tight around him, so wet and perfect. He leaned down to kiss and bite her neck. She tilted her head aside to grant him better access. He kissed her neck as he moved faster now, and faster, until he couldn't control his pace.

Long, hard thrusts made her see stars. She came once, and she was close to come again. He felt the tightness enveloping him. He knew she would shatter soon. But this time he decided to follow her into the bliss. He watched her as he moved. She moved to meet his thrusts, and to drive him even deeper into her. With a loud moan she came, his name leaving her lips. Hearing his name coming from her lips like that undid him. She felt wave after wave of his hot sperm filling her. The feeling overwhelmed her.

Forehead was leaned against forehead, both breathing heavily, both enjoying the bliss. But he felt something was wrong. After a while he pulled out and didn't lie next to her. He sat on the edge of bed and ran his hand through his short hair. He was worried and hurt. Suddenly he felt warm hands on his shoulders. He turned to see her smiling at him. Then she took his hand as she slowly lied back into the bed. He watched her, unable to tear his eyes away from her.

"James," she said while rubbing small circles on his palm, her eyes looking at her ministrations "what's wrong?" He watched her ministrations too.

"Was it worth it?" She lifted her gaze. She blinked confused.

"What?"

"Was it worth sleeping with me? Could I make you forget?" She still blinked until a small smile grazed her face. She saw the doubt and fear on his face.

"I didn't slept with you because I wanted to forget him." She started and was met with his gaze. "I want to move on. What happened once, stays in the past. I want to focus on...this." She whispered. He was relieved and worried at once.

"Why me?" He asked. She could've had every man she wanted. She smiled again.

"Because to you, I'm Lola. Not Jane Shepard or Commander Shepard. I'm simply...Lola. Your nickname gave me reason for a new start. Away from Kaidan." Then he smiled. He climbed up the bed and settled down next to her. She leaned her head in the crook of his neck and smiled, content and happy.

"I'm here for you, Lola." She chuckled and gave him a goodnight kiss, before she snuggled her head back into his neck. He stared at the ceiling for a while, thinking the entire time about what just happened. He smiled. He would gladly be the one who would help her move on. And he would do his best so she can forget that bloody major Alenko.

**Notes:**

I would like to hear what you think on this, and if it's worth continuing. If so, it'll be a story featuring a lot of Shenko/Shega. Thanks for reading it :-)


	3. Chapter 3

So, I decided to continue it. Anyway, this is an AU, Shepard is still Commander, Kaidan and her shared a past, but something went wrong. She still has her Normandy crew, but there are no reapers, and they're on earth. Anyway, please do tell what you think of it. I would be really grateful :-)

####

James woke up to the familiar feeling of someone close to him. He smiled when she stretched her body. Then her blue orbs found his. His heart leapt when she looked at him. He was so content and peaceful. He was happy like he wasn't in a long time. She was too. He could see it in her eyes.

"Morning." She whispered, turning her body to his completely. He lifted his arm, she scooped closer and leaned her chin on his chest. She could hear and feel his steady heartbeat.

"Morning Lola. I do hope you slept well?" She chuckled at his teasing and it became warm around his heart. Again.

"I did. Who wouldn't after that exercise." Then she planted a small kiss on his lips. He closed his eyes to enjoy her softness. She broke the kiss to look deep into his eyes. "Now, care to make me you're famous Vega-eggs for breakfast?" He chuckled as he stood up.

"Sure Lola." He said before he left the room. He walked down to the kitchen as he never stopped smiling. They slept together for a few weeks now and he slowly started to get used to...this. Whatever this is. He was afraid to talk to her about it. He didn't want to push her away from him or put her under pressure. If she was happy with the current situation, so was he. He wouldn't change a thing.

A few minutes later the eggs were done and he put the breakfast on the table. She walked down the stairs and inhaled deeply. She loved his eggs. "Mmm, that smells wonderful, James." He let out a loud 'ha' when he sat down on one of the chairs. She sat down next to him.

"I know. That's why they're famous. Because Commander Shepard loves them." She chuckled and both started to eat. They ate with their usual flirting. She told him he should once make her breakfast while wearing nothing but her black apron. He laughed, but noted it as a way to spice things up a little. Suddenly the doorbell of her apartment rang. She stood up, wearing her grey sweatpants and black tank top. He didn't bother to wear anything else than his black boxers. He thought no one would disturb them. He could hear her opening the door, then he could hear her speak. He didn't understood the words though. Then he heard a male voice talking. His voice became clearer and clearer until James could understand the words.

"We've been through so much and all I want is to talk!" He yelled now. Then the doors of the kitchen fell open. James froze in his seat. He felt embarrassed and ashamed. He so wished the ground would swallow him, right in this moment. His eyes fell on the other man's chest. He couldn't look into his eyes. Then Shepard came back and James locked his eyes on hers as she looked on the other man.

"Kaidan." She almost whispered. He watched James. Surprisingly he didn't saw anger in Kaidan's eyes. He saw hurt. Sadness. And disappointment. James swallowed hard. He didn't know what to do, or say. To be true, he never thought to find himself in this situation. Kaidan turned back to Shepard after a while. He didn't spoke, though. He just watched her, his face and eyes sad. Then he looked back at James. Shepard swore she could hear his heart stopped beating because he stood so close to her.

"I'm...sorry, Shepard. I," he took a deep breath and scratched the back of his neck "I thought you were...alone." Kaidan lowered his head and looked at the ground. Shattered wasn't the right word to describe how he felt. He wasn't angry. He wasn't mad. He wasn't furious. He felt empty and abandoned, and heartbroken. Then he looked back at Shepard and her heart broke. This wonderful man didn't deserve to see this. Shepard felt her throat going dry. She swallowed, but to no avail. Her eyes blinked rapidly as she looked at Kaidan. It seemed hours have passed and neither of them moved.

Kaidan glanced at James for just a second. Then he looked at the floor again. He knew he should leave. But his legs didn't obey him. He kept repeating the word in his mind hoping it would make him move. Leave for god's sake, he thought.

"I...I should go." Then he turned and walked away. Shepard watched his back before she stormed after him. James heard her calling his name. 'Kaidan, Kaidan' she repeated several times. Then he could hear Kaidan saying something but he couldn't understand the words. Then he heard the door close. James took a deep breath before Shepard entered the kitchen again. He could tell she was heartbroken. But he didn't blame her. He knew what it meant to be heartbroken.

"Lola..." She sniffed and took a very deep, shaky breath. Then she looked at him, sad and embarrassed. He didn't want her to feel that way.

"I'm sorry James. I didn't mean to-" He stood up and silenced her. He stopped in front of her and hugged her tight to him.

"Don't apologize Lola. It's okay." He broke the hug and tried to look into her eyes. But she kept her eyes on his chest. He wondered why she ignored him. "Lola?"

"James," she lifted her face, but her eyes kept looking at his chin "I'm sorry but...could you," she closed her eyes and took a deep breath "could you leave me alone for a while?" That struck him. He thought she wanted him near her when she was sad and hurt. He thought he was her rock, her support. He took a deep, calming breath. As much as it pained him, he would do as she asked him. He silently walked past her and went back into her bedroom. He put on his jeans, his shirt, took his jacket and made his way downstairs. She was standing in the same spot. And he knew she was in deep thought.

"Shepard?" He stopped next to her, waiting for any sign that would allow him to kiss her. But she didn't even look into his eyes. Defeated, he walked to her door. To give her some space and some time to think. Even though it broke his heart to think she'll probably cry now, alone, with no one to comfort her. But she wanted to be alone so he decided to listen to her. He took the door handle and opened the door. He let out a heavy sigh and made his way out of her apartment. His heart was heavy and sad. He never thought that this would actually happen. That Kaidan would come to her and see him almost naked sitting at her table. Even though he didn't like Kaidan, he didn't deserve that. No one did.

James made his way home, sad and worried. He knew she needed some time alone. He would give her time but only until tomorrow. Then he would go to her and make sure she's okay.

####

"Another round." He yelled to the waitress as he drank his last round. That was his fifth whiskey this evening. Slowly his vision started to double. But he didn't care. Not after what he had witnessed. Not when he knew what he knows now. His hands were leaned on the table, his head and shoulders slumped down, a bunch of glasses scattered on his table. Nothing was happening around him. All he could think of was the sight of him sitting almost naked at her table. He drank the sixth glass empty to swallow the lump down his throat. He wouldn't cry even though his heart begged him to cry. His biotics were sending out a low hum. Nothing dangerous, just the little spare energy he had left. He wouldn't lose control though. He just wouldn't.

After their argument weeks ago they grew distant. He didn't know where they stood so he finally found courage today to speak with her about everything. Then he saw...this. He shook his head and ordered another round. Then another. The waitress stopped bringing him drinks when he reached his twelfth whiskey glass. Somehow he went with wobbly legs to the bar and payed before he made his way home. The streets were doubled, the street lights stirring his headache. Maybe he'll get a migraine later, but he didn't care. His heart was shattered again. His chest was ripped apart and his heart was torn out.

His wobbly legs somehow brought him home. He reached his living room and slumped down on the couch. He fumbled with his fingers in his pocket, searching for something he wanted to give her back. Something she once carried then gave it back to him. He wanted it to belong to her, forever. But then she gave it back after their last argument.

He finally took it out with his fingers. It was a tiny, crimson box. His drunken and clumsy fingers opened the box. That's when he wasn't able to control his emotions anymore. Tears seeped down his face when he watched the content of the box. He gave it to her and waited, and waited. Then she gave it back after their last argument. Now he wanted to give it back to her in hope to clear things and start anew. But then her actions said she didn't want it. He cried and cried, his heart tight and the big lump in his throat almost choking him.

The only thing he ever managed to give fully her was this ring. A ring he hoped would seal their future together, as husband and wife. A ring he bought only for her. But now, the ring was with him, and not where it belonged to, on her finger. Kaidan was shattered and he felt hopeless. Then he wondered if they were ever meant to happen. He sat in the darkness of the room. Alone, hopeless and empty. His fingers held the ring tightly as he shook and cried loudly.

After what felt like hours of crying he fell asleep. His fist closed around the ring tightly. His eyes burned from the tears. But no pain or burning was like the pain he felt in his heart. He dreamed of being alone. And that's how he woke up. Alone and cold, and not in her arms.


	4. Chapter 4

A day had passed since he's spoken to her. And that was it. She hadn't call him. He didn't want to call her thinking she could use a break. His mind was tearing apart though. The incident with the Major still played in his mind. Still he felt embarrassed by the thought of it. He could care less if that happened with a woman he didn't care for. But he cared for Shepard and that's why he felt bad. That's why he felt so ashamed. He paced his apartment up and down. He didn't eat properly nor did he sleep. He desperately tried to give her the time she needs. To keep a little distance from her. To show her he trusted her. Not anymore though. With a low groan he made his way out of his apartment. His heart raced. He wanted to see her, yet the other part of his heart told him to trust her. But he couldn't, not when they didn't spoke for a whole day.

Fifteen minutes later driving with the skycar he found himself at her building. Taking a one deep breath he entered and took the stairs instead of the elevator. Seconds later he reached her door and his heart raced even more. He didn't enter immediately, he just stood there for a while to gather his mind. Then he found the courage to knock. Again, and again, until finally she opened the door. She sniffed when she opened it and when his eyes fell on her face he knew she was crying. Her eyes wide, her mouth slightly open and formed into an 'o'. Without giving her the time to ask anything he entered and hugged her. He closed the door with his leg. Her hands immediately wrapped around his waist as she buried her head in his chest.

"Please don't cry." He begged, she inhaled a sharp breath. She broke the hug and led him into the living room. Once there, they sat down on the cozy couch. He took her hands in his but didn't want to ask anything for now. She knew she needs to do a lot of explaining.

"I'm sorry I haven't called you. It's just...I needed some time off." She wiped her face clean and stared at their hands.

"Did he call you? Or bothered you?" She shook her head and smiled.

"No. Don't worry, he keeps his distance." Then she silenced and James couldn't suppress his curiosity any longer.

"Lola?" She looked up and smiled weakly. He took a deep breath to steel his mind. "What happened to the two of you?" For a brief moment he could see the shock on her face because of his question. Then she hid it again and looked away.

"Why do you wanna know?"

"Well...you never told me the reason and I...thought we were...something." She could hear the hesitation in his voice, but she wasn't mad at him for asking her.

"It's...complicated." He knew she wanted to block him. To change the subject. But he had to know what happened between her and the Major. He wanted to know her better.

"Lola...please. You can trust me." Their eyes locked for a brief moment. Then she looked back at their hands and sighed. She decided to tell him.

"He asked me to marry him." That hit James. He swallowed hard, but that didn't make him any cleverer. Luckily, she continued. "And...I never gave him an answer."

"Why?" Then she stood up and went to the window, her hands crossed and her body leaned on the nearby wall.

"I don't know. I just blocked whenever he asked me."

"So he asked you frequently if you wanted to marry him?" He asked chuckling and slightly amused by the thought of proposing a person more than once. Shepard narrowed her eyes but didn't turn to look at him.

"Yes." Silence fell in the room for a while. "And then he started to become more demanding. Putting pressure on me. Telling me he has to know the answer and that he thought I loved him." She readjusted slightly but kept her place. "Then, one night, he came to the Normandy to talk, but we ended up yelling at each other and...throwing accuses. Anyway, we grew distant and I thought he broke up with me."

"You mean, when he came here and saw me..." Then she turned back to him.

"Yes. I suppose he wanted to make things right." That hit him hard again and he couldn't keep his tongue.

"Lola...not even he deserved to find out about us like this." She grew angry then.

"So now it's my fault that he saw us together? Well it's his fault for pushing me away!" James narrowed his eyes at that and he couldn't believe she actually claims it's his fault.

"I'm not saying it's your fault. I'm just saying that I feel guilty. Sort of." He stood up and walked to her. "And why didn't you accept his proposal?" Her eyes glared angrily at him. He knew she was at edge, but something was odd here.

"Why do you want to know anyway? We're together now and I thought that is what matters!" She yelled now and his anger grew slightly as well.

"Jesus Christ Lola! You loved that man more than anything! And if we're together why is it so hard for you to tell me the truth?!" He gradually raised his voice. Her brows furrowed together, the anger clearly written on her face. She wouldn't let him talk to her like that.

"Get out!" First he just watched her, thinking he didn't hear her right. Then the words hit him like a truck.

"What?!"

"You heard me! GET OUT!" She yelled and pointed her hand to the door. James watched her, stunned and confused. Luckily he found his voice again.

"Lola, I'm sorry. I just-" She tapped her foot hard on the floor once, silencing him immediately. James watched her, paralyzed and unable to move. Thinking of something to say that would make things right. But he saw her steady and angry expression. He knew she meant it, and that was enough for him. Angry and hurt, he made his way out of her apartment, slamming her entry door shut. He was furious but he couldn't do anything right now to change her mind. Something happened to her. Something so bad that it prevented her from marrying the Major. He was glad she loved him and that she claimed they're together, but he needed to find out what happened. He needed to know to maybe stop the same thing happening to them.


	5. Chapter 5

A mess. That's what she created. First she hurt Kaidan, the love of her life. Then she hurt James by not telling him the truth. She wondered what's wrong with her, if she was incapable of having a relationship. Both of them cared for her as well as she cared for them.

She was in a dilemma. Nothing she did managed to make her forget about the guilt she felt. Guilt for hurting Kaidan, and guilt for hurting James. She stood near the window observing the city. From here she could see the building Kaidan lived in. She wondered what he was doing right now, what he was thinking. They parted in an ugly way and that's what she never wanted. Her heart still leapt at the thought of him, but now she was with James. She cared for him, she even dared to admit she loved him. James never put her under some kind of pressure. The argument they had a few days ago was the only time he demanded an answer. But why couldn't she tell him the reason? Why was it so hard? Maybe because she feared she would push him away, or even make him despise her.

She swallowed the big lump down her throat as she never looked away from Kaidan's building. All of it was so wrong. She didn't want to end it like this. Without thinking she took her phone and dialed his number. Now she waited, and waited. Then the answering machine spoke.

"_Hi, I'm currently not at home. But leave me a message after the sound._" The machine beeped and Shepard took a deep breath. Her mouth opened but the words she wanted to say died in her throat. What was she doing? She wants to apologize over a answering machine? She shook her head, scolded herself mentally and hung up before deciding to leave the apartment. Maybe it was a silly thing to do. Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe everything will become much muddier then it already is. But she couldn't say sorry over the answering machine. She had to see him.

A twenty minute walk later she reached his building. Her heartbeat was frantic, she was sweating slightly and her nervousness grew. She was about to face him. He didn't deserve to be treated like this. Kaidan was a wonderful man and he deserved to at least hear an apology. She took the elevator to the fourth floor. Then she slowly walked to the doors of his apartment, desperately trying to find a reason to turn back. With the thought gone she found herself standing right in front of his door. Then she lifted her hand, her heartbeat even more frantic. But she knocked, and the seconds that passed as she waited felt like eternity. Then his doors flung wide open and their eyes immediately locked. She could see the change of his relaxed expression. He was shocked now and pale as death.

"Kaidan." She whispered and he swallowed hard as he started to sweat.

"Ah...Shepard." He whispered back. She felt so embarrassed in that moment so she lowered her head and took a deep breath.

"Can I come in?" That question struck his heart. He so longed for her, he so wanted to hug her and kiss her. But no. She belonged to someone else now. He shook his head and stood aside. She entered and immediately went to his living room. Nothing has changed. Except that every single picture he had from them was presented on the many shelves he had. Her heart clenched.

"What it is Shepard?" She spun around startled when she heard him behind her. She still avoided his gaze which he noticed. And it made him a bit angry. "You can look me in the eyes you know." She heard the bitterness in his voice, and her heart clenched again. What have I done, rang the question in her head.

"I uhm...I came to apologize for...everything." Kaidan just stood there and watched her with those sad eyes. She wished he would look away, but he didn't. She felt so sick of herself. "I didn't mean for us to end like this."

"And what exactly did you mean?" He whispered with an anger filled voice. "When were you going to tell me that you broke up with me after that argument?" Suddenly her nervousness faded, replaced by pure hurt.

"What?! You stormed out of the room! I thought YOU broke up with ME!" His eyes widened.

"It wasn't you who found me with another woman Shepard! You could've at least told me we're done!"

"I thought you were done with me because I never gave you an answer, and that you became sick of me!" Both yelled now, but both did nothing to suppress their anger.

"You could've said no, and I would've stopped asking! That would've saved us a lot of time!"

"You wouldn't understand the reason anyway!" He held a glass in his hand that he drank from earlier. Now, he used the same glass to throw it on the wall. Her eyes widened at that and she felt slightly afraid. He never smashed things.

"Why Shepard?! Why wouldn't I understand?! How can you know if you didn't even try to tell me?!" She gulped and blinked rapidly, but she steeled her mind. She wouldn't cry in front of him.

"Because you wouldn't! And because you would've left me if I'd told you!" She fell down on his couch and cradled her face in her palms. Kaidan just stood there, breathing heavily and his head throbbing signaling the start of a migraine. But he didn't care. Right now, they had to settle this somehow.

"You betrayed me?" He asked in disbelief. She let out a bitter laugh and looked at him.

"Yea, right. I betrayed you. Don't be silly Kaidan."

"Then tell me the reason. Why was it so hard to say yes?" His voice trailed off until it became a whisper. She took a deep breath while she reconsidered if she should tell him or not. He deserves the truth, she thought as she opened her mouth to speak.

"Because-" Then her phone rang. She took it out and saw James's number on the screen. She stood up, send Kaidan a pity look and went to the windows, turning her back to him. Kaidan understood who called so he went to the nearby kitchen. Still he could hear her speak.

"Yes...I know. I'm with Liara. Okay, see you later. Bye." That struck Kaidan again. He stormed back into the living room, his eyes wide in disbelief because he couldn't believe what she said. She lied.

"What did you say?" She spun around to face him as he stopped very close to her. Her puzzled look gave her confusion away. "You're with Liara? He doesn't know you're here?" His voice was low and it had a effect on her that it wasn't allowed to have.

"We argued. He wasn't around so-"

"Shepard. It's best you leave." That shattered her heart. She blinked, her eyes trying desperately to look into his, but he avoided her gaze.

"Kaidan-"

"Don't do the same thing to him. If he makes you happy, then keep him. Even though it will kill me." She lowered and shook her head as the tears finally won.

"I'm sorry Kaidan." She wanted to leave. But she couldn't. Her body stood there like frozen. And despite the thing she's done to him he just couldn't watch her cry.

"It's okay, Jane." She sobbed and cried now. He moved a strand of hair away from her face but he didn't dare to hug her. Otherwise he wouldn't let her go. "We know this is goodbye." He whispered, the words choking him and breaking his heart. She looked up at him and shook her head slightly as regret clouded her mind. How could she ever leave this man?

"I'm so so sorry Kaidan. I know you will find a better person than I ever was or will be. I'm sorry." With that she strode past him as she sobbed aloud. Her sweet perfume lingered in the room even though she closed the door. That's it. Now he felt like a dead man, like he has nothing to live for. She took his heart with her, forever. And there would never be another person that would make him feel alive again.

####

Shepard reached her building, but she didn't enter. Instead she sat down on the stairs and cried. Her hands were wrapped around her waist, her head lowered almost touching her folded knees. Her body shook and she cried more violently now, but she had to stop somehow. Soon she would need to go home and James couldn't see that she cried. She was with Liara, after all.

She wiped her face clean and stood up. She took the small mirror from her pocket and looked at her face. Her eyes were red as well as her nose. Luckily, she was allergic so she could lie, if he asks. She took the stairs to her floor and used the time to think. Finally she reached her door and she hesitantly took her key to open it. When she opened the door, she could see candle light going from the living room. The scent of food invaded her nose and she smiled. She slowly entered and went straight to the living room. Inside was James sitting on the couch, a dinner he prepared served on the small coffee table. He stood up as soon as she entered, but he didn't move.

"Lola..." She ran off to him and hugged him hard. James wondered what happened to her. But he was happy to finally have her in his arms again.

"I'm sorry James." She said, her head buried in his chest. Then she lifted her head and looked at him, grateful for the dim light. Now he couldn't see she cried. "I'm sorry for yelling at you." He cupped her face and smiled. Now he was happy again.

"I trust you Lola. And I won't ask you ever again. If you want to tell me, fine. But I'm happy with you and I don't want to ruin it." He kissed her, deeply, before they sat down on the couch. They started to eat in a pleasant conversation but soon the meal was gone. Then they started to kiss and touch, and soon they landed in her bed. They made love that night, but Shepard wasn't really focused on James. She whispered another ones name, luckily James was too absorbed to hear her. Her mind always drifted off to Kaidan and imagined Kaidan above her or behind her. Her heart was torn apart as well as her mind. She knew she would soon have to choose. Either way, one heart will be broken surely. It's up to her to decide who's.

**Notes:**

Don't worry, this is not one of these fics where the woman can't decide between two men, so she has both. I hope you'll continue to read ;-)


	6. Chapter 6

James and Shepard decided to have a walk through the city. It was a warm Sunday and they didn't have anything to do. They did a little shopping, drank their coffee in their favourite coffee shop. Soon though they grew hungry so they went to a small bistro at the end of the street. They never were there before, but they were too hungry to go to their favourite restaurant which was on the other end of the city. She wrapped her hands tightly around his as they walked, the happiness clearly written on her face. Her head was leaned on his shoulder as they walked. James held her two bags in one hand while the other served as her anchor.

"You know, I could use that hand to carry your bags." He teased and she chuckled. Her chuckle warmed his heart.

"No, you only need one hand for that. Aren't you the big and strong lieutenant?"

"Ha! I am, but your bags are fully loaded." She tightened her grip around his hand and smiled.

"Yea, but you didn't complain when I undressed to show you what I bought." He smiled mischievously when he looked down on her.

"Well I certainly love to see you undressing. Or to undress you myself."

"Of course you do, you flirt. And I thought you can only give but never take."

"Oh I can take." He took his hand from hers and within a second, wrapped it around her waist and pulled her into a heated kiss. She went bright red at that. They were on a public location, after all. She moaned as he never seemed to break the kiss. Then she found the strength and will to push him away.

"James!" She said chuckling, then she laughed. James loved to hear her laugh. "You crazy?" He pulled her to him again but rested his mouth close to her ear.

"I'm crazy about you Lola." Again she pulled away. Again she blushed and he loved it. She cleared her throat and finally they entered the bistro. They served all kinds of food and Shepard decided to have some bagels. James took some chicken and potatoes. They ate in comfortable conversation, both teasing and flirting with each other. Both were smiling and happy. They didn't pay any attention to the door opening behind them. They continued to talk when suddenly Shepard heard a very familiar voice. A voice which froze her heart.

"Yea, I called a few minutes ago for the meal." Her head spun around and her suspicions were true. Her wide eyes watched him as he stood there, his foot tapping on the floor. She watched him taking his ordered food. Then he turned and immediately their eyes locked. Both just watched each other, both never looking away. Shepard knew she shouldn't stare, she knew James was here. But again, her heart won.

Kaidan watched her, his heart breaking at the sight of her with him. He swallowed hard as he tried to look away. But he couldn't. She was supposed to be his, not James'. James watched the situation. He hated the thought of her staring at him. He had to divert her eyes from him somehow so he cleared his throat, loudly. Shepard spun around and watched James with wide eyes. Then she looked back at Kaidan but the lump in her throat grew only bigger. From his expression she could tell he was broken. Completely.

Kaidan just cursed inwardly. He went to the other bistros and restaurants on purpose just to avoid them. It seems he failed. He swallowed hard again, never taking his eyes off of her. Then his eyes fell on James and he recognized the warning, the deadly glare he send him. Without anything left to say he left, almost running out of the bistro. His heart was shattered, broken. 'His' Shepard was not his. She was James'. That's it. He couldn't bear the sight of her with him any longer, and he knew there was only one way to avoid them completely. One way that would break his heart.

####

She continued to eat in silence. James noticed the sad and almost blank look on her face. His anger grew slightly. The day started nicely and the Major had to ruin everything! James threw his fork on the table, creating a loud noise. Shepard's head shot up at that. Then their eyes locked, and she knew he was pissed.

"James?" She whispered, but he didn't even flinch. Then he closed his eyes and took a few very deep breaths. His hands were folded under his chin. His foot tapping on the floor. James wasn't mad, or angry. He was hurt.

"Wherever we go we seem to bump into him." Shepard swallowed hard, she wanted to lie.

"That's not true James. We-"

"You think I'm stupid?" He asked her as he balled his hands into fists on the table. Now he was slightly angry. "You think I didn't notice him when we went to the movies a few days ago? Or in the mall when he practically ran out of the store?"

"James-"

"I know you saw him! And probably even watched him! I sometimes even think he's stalking you!" She heard the anger in his voice. Although he wasn't yelling she knew he was at edge.

"He's not stalking me. The city isn't that big you know. What should I do? Mark the stores on the city plan where he is going?" She let out a frustrated breath and rubbed her eyes with her fingers. Then she looked back at him. "What the hell should I do James?!" She wasn't yelling either, but she was at edge. James stood up, grabbed her bags. He stopped next to her and just shook his head.

"Let's just go home Lola." She sighed in defeat and stood up. There was no point in arguing. He and she knew that. They were silent all the way home. Shepard thought of Kaidan and how broken he looked. She was really happy with James, but whenever she saw Kaidan her heart just broke in half. James used the silent walk to think. He was sick of always bumping into the Major when they're having a nice day. It killed their mood and James wouldn't have it anymore. He knew of a way to avoid him. But he wondered if Shepard would agree to that. This would be a test for her. A test to prove she really has no feelings towards this city, or to the Major.


	7. Chapter 7

Shepard came home from the grocery shop. She carried two large bags filled with all sorts of vegetables. Their fridge went empty so she decided to go and buy something for them. She knew James loved to cook so she bought as much things as she could carry.

"Honey I'm home!" She yelled from the entrance. Soon James came from the living room smiling brightly. He took the two bags from her and kissed her. Then both walked into the kitchen.

"Eh Lola, how was the shopping?" She sat down on the kitchen island as James took everything out of the bag.

"Nice, bought you a lot of things." She took out a bottle of chilli from Spain. "See? I think about you." He smiled, took the bottle from her then gave her a peck on her lips.

"Nice, thanks a lot Lola." He pushed everything down and walked to her. The vegetables were left forgotten on the table as he took her hand and guided her to the living room. "I wanna show you something." Shepard followed him eager to see what he wanted to show her. They sat down in front of the computer, nothing serious catching her eyes. The desktop background was open but she could see the extra-net open in the background. She blinked as James opened the browser. She swore she felt coldness in the room the second the page opened.

"I've been looking for quite some time now, but I didn't want to tell you until I find something." Shepard stared wide eyed at the computer screen, her eyes blinking rapidly and her heartbeat frantic. But James continued. "This is what I've found." She looked at a wooden house somewhere in the suburban parts of the city. From here it was around 40 miles away. Shepard froze.

"James what is this?" He looked blankly at her for a while before he spoke again.

"Ah...a house. A house I wanted to buy. For us." She looked wide eyed at the two story wooden house. It was cute, it had a little lawn in the front and back, trees were around it. The house was rather sweet and she could imagine herself living there. But with James?

"James...do we even have the money?"

"Yea, I've got my retirement fonds. I could take the money and buy the house. Won't be a problem." Shepard felt, no, she knew that this has to have another meaning. James never spoke he wanted to leave the city, and now this? Then she remembered Kaidan...and she put two and two together. She slowly turned fully towards him, her eyes looking at his muscled chest as she blinked. They needed to talk.

"James...you wanna move out just to avoid Kaidan?" Something struck him. He hated it when she called him Kaidan. He ran his hand through his hair and let out a frustrated sigh. Was he surprised she figured things out? No. She was Commander Shepard, not just a stupid girl.

"Is that a crime?" He asked as he looked at her again. Shepard found herself in an awkward situation. She knew this was a trap. She had to tread carefully from now on because one wrong reaction or sentence could end this whatever they're having. James saw she struggled with something. He wondered with what. "Is it bad that I don't want to bump into him whenever we're having a nice day?" She didn't know what to say. Or do. All of this is so sudden, she didn't even have the time to decide who to pick. "Or is it too hard for you to leave the city?" His voice was bitter when he spoke. She knew she had to show him she had no boundaries to this city...to Kaidan.

"Of course it's not. It's just...this is all so sudden, and the house-"

"What about the house?" He asked defensively. Shepard looked at the cute wooden house then back at him. Then she smiled.

"The house is adorable James." She leaned close to him and planted a small, quick kiss on his lips. After that she stared at the wooden house again. James felt like his heart would jump out of his chest. He didn't thought she would react so calm and happy about this. That made him immensely happy.

"I'm glad you like it Lola." He hugged her tightly to him as he pressed his lips on her left temple. Then he leaned his forehead on the place where he kissed her and inhaled deeply. He so loved her perfume. "I'm gonna call the owner. See how soon we can move in." Then he stood up, took the phone and dialed the number of the owner. James smiled as he held the phone to his ear. He looked away when he started to talk with the owner, Shepard could hear him speak, but she didn't register the words. Her mind was empty, thinking only about one particular thing. How she will live with James in that wooden house, only to prove she's over Kaidan.

That thought choked her because of an unknown reason. She liked James a lot, maybe she even loved him. And this house would assure her a future with him, a calm and content life she always wanted to lead. But...still she had doubts. Her heart had doubts. As wonderful as all of this sounded, she felt a large part of her heart breaking apart. That large, dominating part belonged to Kaidan. As much as she hated to admit it, it was true. She was going to move away from here, from Kaidan.

Her heart shattered at the thought of it. Completely.

####

He sat at a table in a bar far away from any place where he could bump into her. Yet, not too far away from his home. He intend to get drunk tonight, hoping to forget today. To forget the imagine of her sitting with him on the table. Kaidan drank glass after glass empty. Soon his vision started to blur, but he didn't care. He wanted to forget the imagine, and slowly he started to achieve that.

His head and shoulders were slumped down, his hand holding the glass. Suddenly he heard the door of the bar open. He looked up, then blinked twice to see better. He thought Shepard entered the bar, but no. A woman with red hair and green eyes and slightly tan skin entered the bar. She sat down on a table not too far away from Kaidan. He watched her crossing her legs and ordering a drink. She drank whiskey, same as him. When she finished the first glass Kaidan called for the waiter and told him to give her a drink.

Moments later, the waiter placed the drink on her table and pointed his head to Kaidan. The woman looked at him with eyes full with lust. Kaidan watched her as well, his eyes trailing up and down her body. Then he realized he'd been watching her, and the logical part of his mind started to scream. This is wrong, he thought when he diverted his eyes back to the glass in his hands. He was in deep thought, still thinking about Shepard, and emptying another two glasses when suddenly, someone sat down next to him. His head shot up and heat rose to his cheeks when he saw the woman he bought a drink looking at him. It was then he realized the woman looked slightly like Shepard. His Shepard.

"Thanks for the drink." She said, her voice like soothing music to his ears. Kaidan just nodded and took a sip from his whiskey.

"You're welcome." The woman leaned closer and reached out her hand. He shook her hand slowly, their eyes locked.

"Melissa."

"Kaidan." He said as he reluctantly released her hand. His eyes were glued on hers. Why she reminded her of Shepard was beyond him. They didn't really have something in common, except the red hair.

"Trying to drown your sorrows?" She asked as she sipped her whiskey.

"How'd you know?"

"Because I'm here for the same reason." She watched the glass as she licked her lips. That sight shot right to his crotch.

"Breakup?"

"Worse." She took another, large sip from her whiskey before she placed the glass back on the table. "I came back home because I forgot something, then I saw my fiance fucking our maid."

"Sorry to hear that." Then she locked her eyes with his.

"What about you?" Kaidan took a sip from his whiskey and ordered another round for them.

"Heartbreak. The woman I love is with another man and I kinda...bump into them a lot." The waiter brought the drinks, both took a sip. The woman leaned even closer, her legs now touching his. Kaidan almost flinched, but he found the gesture rather inviting.

"That sucks. Why don't you move away?" Kaidan watched her for a long moment. With every glass he took he saw Shepard more and more in her. Melissa watched him confused, she thought he was sick. "Kaidan?" He leaned closer, his eyes gazing deep into hers. Their faces were very close, both could feel each others breath tickling the skin on their faces. He didn't know why but he had the urge to take this woman home tonight.

"How about we move this questioning to my apartment?" Melissa wetted her suddenly dry lips. She thought a little about his offer, then leaned her mouth to his ear, thinking what the hell.

"Deal." Kaidan stood up and walked on wobbly legs to the bar to pay. Melissa took her jacket and they both walked outside. They took a cab to his apartment and twenty minutes later they reached his building. They stepped out and took the elevator to his floor. There was something between them, something primal that made Kaidan act the way he did now. He didn't usually take unknown women home, but here he was.

The doors of the elevator opened and both stepped out. Melissa followed Kaidan to his apartment, the heat between her legs growing with every step she took. Once he locked the door, he crushed his lips on hers and pinned her on the wall. Their clothes were left forgotten on the floor to his bedroom before they started to fuck each other. Kaidan didn't recognize himself, but he couldn't deny this woman. Not when she reminded him of Shepard.

The moonlight was the only thing that lighted the room, and whenever he opened his eyes he saw her, his Shepard. He even murmured her name. Melissa didn't even realize it, she was thinking about her fiance who she still loved it seems. Both needed this, both were heartbroken. They played with each other almost the entire night.

When Kaidan woke up in the morning, he saw a note on his nightstand. On the note was a kiss with her lipstick, he turned the note around and read 'Thanks for the amazing night'. But Kaidan hated himself. He felt like he betrayed Shepard, he felt dirty and sick. Kaidan somehow stood up, cleaned himself, then stopped in front of the window to look at the city. He thought about the places she hated going to. Only so he wouldn't bump into them. He let out a heavy sigh and shook his head. He needed to get away from here. If him leaving the city would bring her happiness with James...then so be it.


	8. Chapter 8

A week later...

Shepard walked through the streets. It was afternoon. The sky colored with the many shades of red, yellow and orange. The sun began to hide behind the horizon. A few grey clouds started to cover the sky though. It would rain soon. Soon she would need to return home. James planed everything necessary for moving the stuff to their new home. They didn't buy it yet, but as soon as the owner returns from his holidays he will sign the papers. And that's it. Shepard would probably spend the rest of her life with him in that wooden house.

Her mind was empty, her legs moving her across the streets on their own. She didn't realize she was in a very familiar block because she was in deep thought. She noticed a yellow cab waiting in front of a building. She didn't pay much attention to it though. Suddenly she saw a very familiar person walking out of the building with a large travelling bag in his hands. Then Shepard snapped back to reality. This was Kaidan's block. And this was his building. She froze when she saw him putting the bag into the trunk of the cab. Her heart beat frantically in her chest and her reaction came out of nowhere.

"Kaidan!" She yelled and started to walk faster towards him. He froze and his heart broke. Slowly he turned to where he heard her voice coming from. Now this became even harder for him then it already was. She stopped in front of him, not too close though. Her sweet perfume immediately invaded his nose. Both were silently looking away from each other, both not knowing what to say. After a long silence the cab driver told Kaidan they're late, and Shepard couldn't be silent any longer. "Where to?" He swallowed hard, in all these minutes she stood before him he didn't look into her eyes. Her gaze was just too much to bear. He was silent. Shepard immediately knew something is wrong.

"Kaidan-"

"I'm leaving." He said before she could ask anything. Shepard blinked once, twice, until his words settled in and broke her heart again.

"What?" Her question was a hoarse whisper. That's all she could manage now. Kaidan swallowed hard again as the lump in his throat grew.

"I'm leaving the city." She readjusted from one leg to the other and crossed her hands in front of her chest. She never looked away from him. Suddenly nothing around her mattered anymore.

"What do you mean, you're leaving? Where?" She was desperate, he could tell by the sound of her voice. He took another deep breath and finally found the courage to look into her eyes. Fear and despair, that's what he saw in them.

"I am moving away and...I can't tell you where to." His answer was a hoarse whisper. Shepard felt something tearing her heart to pieces. Her eyes dwelled up with tears. Her body started to shake not because of the cold. But because of fear.

"Why?"

"Because." He whispered the lame answer. Suddenly she felt like she knew why.

"Is it because I didn't tell you why I didn't gave you an answer? Is this how you pay me back?!" She gradually raised her voice until she started to yell. The desperation was clearly written on her face. He saw her eyes shining because of the tears. His heart clenched at the sight, but there was nothing he could do about it.

"That has nothing to do with it."

"Then tell me! Why are you moving away and where to?!" She yelled now, but Kaidan wouldn't tell her. It was for the greater good.

"I'm sorry." He simply said. Shepard watched him, stunned and hurt and confused. She took a step closer as the rain started. But that didn't matter, to none of them.

"What do you mean you're sorry?! You can't leave Kaidan! Why are you leaving?!"

"I'm sorry..." He said, shaking his lowered head. Shepard sobbed aloud now and took another closer step. Now he could feel her heat, and he snapped back into reality when she slammed both her hands on his chest.

"Why?!" She yelled again, not caring if anyone will hear them. Kaidan knew she wouldn't let this go until he tells her. So be it.

"Because I can't see you with him anymore." Shepard slowly calmed down as his words settled in. Her hands lingered on his chest as she looked at him. He looked at the ground, desperately avoiding her gaze. He took her silence as a sign to continue. "Because wherever I go I see you with him. And I can't take it any longer...I can't see you happy with another man." Shepard's world crashed around her. Now she slowly started to realize what she has done.

"So that's it? You're gonna abandon everything we ever had?" Then he locked his eyes on hers as she said that. There was an immense amount of sadness in his eyes and face. Shepard had to find all her strength not to kiss him and make everything as it was again.

"Never. I won't ever abandon what we had. Our time together means the world to me Shepard. And I will always cherish it and remember it as the most precious thing that ever happened in my life. But this has nothing to do with it. It has to do with the present." He took a deep breath and swallowed hard as he feared he would start crying. The tears were already burning his eyes along with the rain. "I can't see you happy with another man. But your happiness means the world to me. If it means me leaving the city for your happiness...then so be it." He choked the last sentence out somehow as the rain started to fall more violently. Shepard barely breathed, her tears mixed with the rain falling down her face. She couldn't believe that this is happening.

"Kaidan...please...don't." She choked out and leaned her forehead on his chest. Her body shook violently as she cried and cried. Her hands grabed a handful of his shirt, to prevent him from leaving. Kaidan closed his eyes, and that's when his tears fell as well. He gently grabbed her shoulders and leaned her away from him. Then his hands moved on their own, he cupped her face and brushed his thumbs gently across her cheeks. He gazed deep into her eyes.

"It's okay Shepard. It has to be like this." Then his entire body moved on his own. He leaned down and planted a long, hard kiss on her forehead as he closed his eyes. He shook as well, Shepard knew because his hands shook on her face. She closed her eyes when his soft, warm lips pressed hard against her forehead. She remembered how soft his lips were, how warm his body is. And how big his heart is. Her grip on his chest lessened as she leaned into the kiss. How she missed him kissing her. He felt her grip on his chest lessening. Then he leaned away abruptly and entered the cab fast. Shepard panicked. She tried to open the door but Kaidan locked it.

"Kaidan! Kaidan please!" She banged on the door and window hard not caring if she would break it. She tried to open it, but to no avail. Then the cab drove off. She felt as if the cab tore her heart out of her chest. "KAIDAN!" She yelled when she ran after the cab. But it was faster. She watched the cab drive away until it disappeared in the distance. She cried now and without any will left she fell on her knees. Everything around her died as she let out a few loud sobs. This can't be happening, she thought as a thunder brought her back to reality. Slowly she stood up, the rain pouring even heavier now, she was soaked but she didn't care. Kaidan was gone. The man she hurt most and loved most, was gone. Shepard turned and looked at Kaidan's building. She blinked a few times and decided to go to Kaidan's apartment. She took the stairs instead of the elevator, using the time to think. Her body was numb, her mind empty. The only thing she saw in her minds eye was the face of Kaidan.

Minutes later she reached his door. She grabbed the door handle and hesitantly opened it. The hallway was empty. She reluctantly entered and walked to the living room. It was empty as well, except for his grey couch and a small coffee table. On the coffee table was a picture with him and her together, taken in Venice. She slumped down on the couch and took the picture. That's when she started to cry. There was nothing left from him to her anymore. She lost Kaidan.

"Kaidan..." She sobbed his name aloud, silently wishing he would hear her. But he wasn't here, nor will he ever be again. She cried as the memories she had of this place invaded her mind. She could hear Kaidan's voice in her mind, his laughter. She could see him sitting on this very couch watching TV while they snuggled next to each other. Everything is so distant now. Slowly she lied down on the couch as everything became just too much to bear. The picture was held across her chest as she cried and cried. He took everything with him. The memories, their pictures and things. But he also took her heart, and somehow she felt as if she would never see him again.

She closed her eyes, thinking why everything went to hell, why she couldn't tell him the reason for her rejection. She knew she was a coward, but right now she couldn't change anything. She could only hope to see Kaidan again so she could explain him everything.

She looked at the watch on her omni-tool, it was 9:30 pm, she knew she should return home, to James. But she couldn't. Tonight, she needed to be alone. Besides, he would see she cried and he would be sick with worry and that's what she didn't want. Hours have passed, she send James a text message that she'll stay at Liara's place. She called Liara and told her everything, Liara just agreed to lie to James if he called her. Shepard needed to be alone for now. Her mind still needed to process that she lost Kaidan. That he's gone.

After an hour of crying she fell asleep. The picture of them held tightly across her chest. The couch still smelled like them, it brought her back to the time when they were together. They were so happy, and so in love. Did she love James? Yes. But will she ever love him like she loves Kaidan? Never.


	9. Chapter 9

James paced the apartment up and down, his phone held in one hand. The other ran through his hair, again and again. He was sick with worry because it was 11 am and she still didn't return. Nor did she picked up his calls. He opened his call log and dialed her number again. The line beeped and beeped and beeped, and again he swallowed a big lump down his throat. His forehead was glistening with sweat, his stomach turning over and over. Suddenly he heard someone using the keys on the door, and his heart leapt. He knows who it is. He closed his phone and ran towards the entry door. His suspicions were true.

"Lola, gracias Dios." He said, totally forgetting about the English language when he pulled her into a hard hug. He lifted her from the ground and swirled them around. Shepard giggled, then he finally put her down and kissed her, passionately, almost taking the breath from her. He cupped her face then and gazed deep into her eyes as his heart calmed down. She's here now. "Where were you, por Dios?" Shepard blinked confused at him.

"I told you I was gonna sleep at Liara's place, right?" She saw the lines of worry on his face, and the slight amount of dark circles under his beautiful green eyes. "You okay?"

"No Lola, I'm not okay." He said, letting out a frustrated sigh. He stepped away from her and rested his hands on his hips. "Why didn't you pick up my calls?" He asked harshly. Shepard narrowed her eyes and watched him confused.

"When have you called me?"

"The entire morning Lola! I was sick with worry!" She took out her phone and indeed; 35 missed calls from James. She rubbed her forehead and sighed before she looked back at him, putting the phone on the nearby end table.

"I'm sorry James. I forgot to turn on the sounds. Sorry..." She said before she wrapped her arms around his neck to gaze deep into his eyes. She smiled slightly and looked at his lips now. "Here, let me make it up..." She said before she kissed him. It was a small kiss at first, then she parted her lips and his tongue slid in. Soon both started to ravish each other in the hallway. Then he lifted her and she wrapped her legs around his waist as he carried her towards their bedroom. Once inside, he put her down and made quick work of her clothes. She made quick work of his sweatpants, he didn't wore a shirt, so he was naked soon.

Once they were both in nothing but underwear, he pushed her down on the bed and settled himself between her legs. His erection was squeezed in his boxers and it slowly started to hurt. He unclasped her bra and slid the straps down her arms before he threw it away. Then he worried her nipple between his teeth while his other hand disappeared in her panties. She gasped and arched her back into his face as his skilled finger worked her swollen nub. Her hands were in his hair, pulling it slightly and pushing his face harder into her chest. James groaned when her hand went lower to touch is hard erection through his boxers.

He pulled away to remove his boxers, she used the time to remove her panties. Once naked, he kissed her passionately as he guided his length towards her entrance. He slowly slid inside to savour the feeling of her so hot and wet and ready for him. Then he started to move, slow, long and hard thrusts at first. His name leaving her lips did it to him though. Gradually he sped up, until the sound of flesh hitting flesh filled the room, along with their moans and groans.

They made love for what felt like hours, and soon he felt his release building up and up. But Shepard wasn't entirely focused on the entire act. She was turned on, immensely, but the release just wouldn't come. With a loud groan and a few hard thrusts James came deep inside her, she could feel his hot semen filling her. But her release just wouldn't come. Instead she played, she howled in hope to give him a show of her release. And it seems James bought it.

He fell next to her on the bed and brought her close to him. He kissed the top of her head as his breathing slowed down. His body was slicked in sweat, usually that would turn her on so much she would jump him again. But not this time. She looked at the wall and listened to his frantic heartbeat as her mind drifted off. This was the first time she had sex without having her own release. She guessed she knew the reason that caused it but she chased that thought away. She didn't want to think about Kaidan now.

####

"Lola?"

"Hm?" She said lazily and snuggled her head to his chest. That's the first thing she said after half an hour of silence. James wondered if she was alright.

"You okay?" Lazily, she turned her head to look at him and smiled. Her smile warmed his heart.

"Yea. Why?"

"You've been silent. I was just wondering." She trailed her fingers across his jaw.

"I'm enjoying the moment." He smiled and placed his palm on her face.

"Glad you do Lola." Then his face grew serious and Shepard wondered why.

"James?"

"Listen, Lola...there's something I want to tell you." Something struck her. Something told her that this isn't going to end well. She swallowed hard and blinked twice as she looked deep into his eyes.

"Something happened?"

"No, no," he said chuckling, still gazing deep into her eyes "there's something I've been struggling to tell you because...I'm afraid it'll push you away. But forgive me, Lola, but I can't hold it back any longer." Now she was scared, but somehow she kept it hidden. James took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment before he looked back at her. Then he smiled so brightly and she immediately knew what was coming. "I'm not expecting you to answer or say the same but...I love you Lola. I'm crazy about you." Then he kissed her. She was shocked, but somehow she felt relieved to know that. He broke the kiss and gazed deep into her eyes. She felt as if she needs to say something.

"James, I-" He placed a finger on her mouth to silence her.

"Shh...you don't have to say anything now. Not until you're completely sure about it." She smiled and nodded, then hugged him hard to her. Her face grew distant then and her mind immediately flew to Kaidan. She wondered where he was right now and what he was doing. She chased the thought away and broke the kiss to look into his eyes. James smiled brightly and made it warm around her heart. She was happy with him, and maybe a lot of pain was necessary to achieve true happiness.

####

James was walking through the city. His hands in his pockets, his walk slow. He went to his favourite bar to have a few beers alone. He wanted to think about today, how he told her he loved her. He did love her, but he wondered how she felt about him. He shook his head as his mind started to be mean.

Moments later he entered the bar and immediately sat on the nearby table, telling the bartender to bring him a beer. Moments later, James drank his beer deep in thought as he suddenly heard a very familiar voice. A voice which made his insides turn.

"Another drink!" He turned his head around and horror overwhelmed him when he saw Kaidan. But that's not what shocked him. It shocked him the way he looked like. He wasn't shaved, his hair was a little longer than usual and the grey covered more hair than it did. He looked like he was ten years older. James swallowed hard as the waitress that stood next to Kaidan shook her head.

"No more for you, sir. You've had enough for today." Kaidan slammed the glass on the table but didn't break it.

"I want another round!" He growled loudly, his voice deep and intimidating. When James saw he wasn't going to let the waitress go without serving him another drink, he had to interfere.

"Bring him a beer. I'll take care of him." Kaidan's expression changed. His eyes were narrowed and his hands balled to fists.

"I don't want your beer." But James ignored him and sat down with his own beer. The waitress eyed him annoyed but obeyed. She placed a beer in front of Kaidan but couldn't hold her tongue.

"If he throws up, you'll be the one cleaning it." Then she left. An uncomfortable silence spread between the two men. Kaidan never took his angry eyes off of James. His mind always drifted off to Shepard and him together. He wanted to yell at James, to tell him he stole his girlfriend. But he couldn't, because he knew it wasn't his fault. Letting out a heavy sigh his shoulders slumped down as well as his head. James saw the hurt on his face, and he somehow felt responsible for this man's suffering.

"I'm sorry." He said loud enough so Kaidan could hear him. Kaidan just smiled bitterly and sipped the beer James bought him.

"A sorry won't make things as they once were." James swallowed hard, he was slightly afraid of Kaidan because of two reason's. First, he was a biotic, and he always lost a fight against a biotic, even when sparring. Second, he outranked him. If Kaidan wanted so, he could throw him out of the Alliance permanently. But he didn't and James was grateful for that.

"Look, I never wanted this to happen." Kaidan smiled bitterly while he looked at the beer bottle.

"Yea...it's not your fault, I suppose." Then another silence spread between the two. James thought about what to say but Kaidan was faster. "I love her, you know." He choked out. James just nodded, he didn't know what to say, but luckily, Kaidan continued. "I'm not mad at her, or at you. It's just...I wanna know why it was so hard for her to say yes." James narrowed his eyes at that as he stared at the bottle.

"You wanna say that you don't know why she kept silent?" Kaidan laughed bitterly then and shook his head.

"If I knew...I don't know. I think I would react differently." James couldn't tear his eyes away from the bottle. Kaidan saw that something bothered him. He guessed what he was thinking about. "She's happy with you." James looked at Kaidan, and his heart could break at the sight of this broken man. "I'm happy for the two of you." He drank his beer and kept silent. James took the moment to talk.

"I'm sorry..." Kaidan shook his head and leaned closer to James.

"Don't apologize. Really. I'm sorry that I ruined a few of your days. But that won't happen any more."

"What do you mean?" James asked as Kaidan took a large sip from his beer. He sighed and took a deep breath.

"I'm moving out. I don't want to bump into you two." Kaidan looked up, his expression serious. James was speechless, now he slowly realized what the hell is going on here.

"You don't have to move out."

"Yes I do."

"No you don't because..." James took a deep breath to gather the courage to speak. "...we're moving out." Kaidan wished he would die, right in this very moment.

"What?"

"We decided to buy a house in-"

"Don't tell me." He interrupted James and took another large sip from his beer until he slammed the bottle on the table. He placed the money for his drinks on the table and stood up.

"Major-"

"Go fuck yourself James." He said before he strode out of the bar. He had nowhere else to go, and his drunken state made it only worse. His steps were determined and fast. He knew where she lived. He would go there and demand his answers. He would not leave until he knew everything, even if he has to squeeze them out of her.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes:** Thanks for the views, follows reviews! Leave me a review if you have the time, means a lot to me :-)

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Shepard sat in the living room near the window reading a book under candlelight. James went out for a drink, he wanted her to come with him, but she said she wanted some time to relax. And think. She stared at the pages of the book, but she never really read the words. Her mind always drifted off to this morning when James said he loved her. Sure she felt the same for him, but something wouldn't let her tell him. She guessed she knew what, and again she shook her head to banish the thought. She let out a heavy sigh and tried to focus on the words written in the book. Suddenly a loud banging on her door startled her. Taking her pistol she stood up and went to the door, but didn't say a word. Then another banging, and another. Suddenly someone spoke.

"Shepard!" Then another banging. She thought her mind played crazy. She thought she started hearing things, but again the voice echoed in her ears. "Shepard! I know you're in there! Let me in!" She froze, the pistol falling forgotten on the floor. Frightened, she went to the entry door to look through the peek hole and what she saw literally left her breathless. The face of Kaidan was visible, but something was different. That wasn't the man she knew.

"Shepard, I'm not leaving until you open the door and tell me why you didn't want to marry me!" Tears already fell down her face as she took two backwards steps.

"Leave Kaidan! Leave me alone!"

"Shepard, open the door or I swear I'll break it open!" He banged, again and again, she silently praying that James returns and stops him. But Kaidan just kept banging on the door.

"Leave!"

"Tell me the reason and I will leave!" Crying, she went to the door and yanked it open. Kaidan strode past her and went straight to the living room.

"You can't be here! James will-"

"You really think I care if he arrives here?!" He yelled back. Shepard was never so afraid of him like in this very moment. Then he stopped right in her face and yelled again, his breath smelling like alcohol. "I wanna know why you didn't marry me!"

"Hey! What the fuck you're doing here?!" It was James yelling from the entrance. Shepard let out a sigh of relief, but then Kaidan pushed her aside. James walked to him as well until both men stood face to face.

"I came here to seek out some answers! I think I deserve that much." Kaidan's voice trailed off as he never broke eye contact with James. Shepard was between them, keeping them in place as best she could.

"She doesn't want to talk! Leave her alone!" Kaidan let out a bitter, drunken laughter.

"Don't you want to know the reason why she left me?! Apparently, she loved me you know! Maybe she'll do the same to you!" James advanced on Kaidan but Shepard stopped him.

"James!" She yelled.

"Maybe she'll break your heart as well when you ask her to marry you!" That was it for James. He roughly pushed Shepard aside and advanced on Kaidan. His fist connected with his cheek, Kaidan stumbled backwards but quickly hit him back. Shepard watched crying as the men she loved fought each other.

"Stop it!" She yelled, hoping to stop the fight. But they just continued and broke their coffee table as James landed on Kaidan, hitting his ribs and face again and again. "STOP IT!" She yelled more desperately, but the men wouldn't head her. James lifted Kaidan by holding him by his collar. He wasn't nearly beaten up as Kaidan. He couldn't defend himself because of his drunken state. James slammed Kaidan on the wall then hit his ribs, again and again. Shepard couldn't watch this any longer. She took the gun and pulled the trigger. Both James and Kaidan froze and turned their heads towards her. She was crying aloud, her entire body visibly shaking as she pointed the pistol at the ceiling. She let the pistol fall to the floor and cried out loud, and both men's heart broke.

"Lola..."

"Shepard..." Kaidan whispered, her hands hugging her waist. She slowly walked backwards towards the entry door, never looking away from the sight of James holding Kaidan by his collar and pinning him against the wall. James panicked and let Kaidan go. Fear was written on his face as he slowly approached her.

"Lola-"

"I hate you..." She reached the entrance and stopped, still looking at them. James stared wide eyed at her where Kaidan watched her with sadness written on his face. She sobbed aloud, then shook her head, now looking at both of them. "I HATE YOU!" Then she turned and ran away. James's heart broke in half.

"LOLA!" He ran towards the entrance then stopped as he watched her run away. "LOLA!" He yelled before he turned back to Kaidan. "You see what you've done!" Then he punched his face again, but Kaidan didn't even try to defend himself. He fell to the ground, his head throbbing from the pain. But nothing pained him so as his heart. James grabbed his collar and shook him. "You ruined my life! You piece of shit! You fuck! Argh!" He yelled in his face, but James let him go. He fell on his couch and ran his hands through his short hair. All beaten up and drunk Kaidan somehow stood up and stumbled towards the door. James was crying now, but Kaidan cried as well as he made his way out of the building. He didn't want to ruin anything, he just wanted to know why she didn't accept him. But it seems he asks too much. Kaidan made his way to his motel. Tomorrow, he would go to his new home and try to move on. But the damage he has done...that would haunt him for the rest of his life.

####

Crying, she exited the cab and almost ran to the building. Once she reached the second floor and her goal, she knocked politely on the door. Moments later Liara opened the door and immediately hugged Shepard.

"Shepard, what happened?" Both entered the apartment. Shepard went to the living room as Liara went to the kitchen to make her some tea. When she came back she sat down next to her and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. Shepard took a sip from her tea and cradled her face in her palms then.

"Everything's gone to hell Liara. I'm done with James." She choked the words out, her heart breaking because she said that. Then she cried.

"Shepard...what happened?" Shepard took a few deep breaths to calm herself before she could answer.

"I was at home reading a book. James went out to have a beer." She silenced for a while, but Liara was none the wiser. She kept silent and waited for her to calm down and continue. "Suddenly someone banged on the door and demanded that I get it open."

"Who was it?" Liara asked curious. Shepard just looked at the floor, her heart heavy.

"It was Kaidan."

"I thought he left the city?" Shepard's tears fell again.

"Seems he's still waiting for his furniture to be transported. Anyway when he came in, James arrived moments later. And everything escalated. James advanced on Kaidan who was drunk. I begged them to stop but they wouldn't listen. James just kept hitting him." Liara pulled her into a hug and comforted her, but broke it soon after. "I had to pull the trigger to the ceiling so they stop fighting!" Liara tugged a strand of hair away and sighed as she shook her head.

"What are you gonna do?"

"I don't want to see them ever again. None of them." She sniffed and sipped her hot tea. Liara knew how she felt, but this couldn't go on like this.

"Shepard...you're not obliged to tell anyone why you broke up with Kaidan." Shepard turned her head towards Liara and narrowed her eyes but the asari continued. "But...I think Kaidan should know. Tell him so he can at least try to understand." Shepard sighed and shook her head.

"But...I can't." Then she cradled her face in her palms, but Liara was persistent.

"I know you probably have a very good reason, but imagine how he feels like right now. Shepard, he asked you to marry him. Doesn't that show you how much you mean to him?" Shepard sniffed and thought about what Liara just told her. And she hated to admit that her asari friend was right.

"You're right, I suppose. But I'm not ready yet." Liara nodded to her.

"I know. But don't wait too long." Shepard nodded as Liara stood up.

"Liara, could I-"

"You know you can sleep here." Shepard just nodded and took her tea cup.

"I'll be here a while longer, if that's okay..." Liara just nodded to her and left to her study. Shepard used the time to think about everything. Now she realized what mess she truly created. She didn't ruin just her life, but she ruined James's and Kaidan's as well. Three hearts were broken, and that thought choked her. But Liara was right. She had to tell Kaidan the truth, then she would talk to James. She would at least try to explain everything, even though that won't ever heal the wounds she created.


	11. Chapter 11

The sun slowly started to disappear behind the clouds. It would be raining soon. In the time when she was happy, she loved the rain. She would curl up in a blanket near the window. She would sit on the couch, her knees folded and her chin leaned on her knees. She would watch the rain fall and be grateful that she has someone she could watch it with. He would wrap his arms around her. Snuggle with her under the same blanket. The sound of rain hitting the window would fill the room. They would be silent. Just as she is silent now waiting for the rain to start. But she's alone. And she cried.

One part of her heart was shattered because of James. The other part was broken because of Kaidan. The incident from last night still played in her mind. It wouldn't let her sleep. She still remembered Kaidan's bloody face and James's bloody hands. They were killing each other. Because of her.

An almost silent sob escaped her as her mind drifted off to the happy memories. Once he sat down behind her he would wrap his arms around her. Then she would let him snuggle with her under the blanket. He would plant a sweet kiss on her cheek, then lean his head close to her ear. The sound of rain and his deep, even breathing would calm her. She loved him, and he would let her know the same.

"_I love you." He whispered in her ear. She turns her head slightly around, enough to gaze into his eyes. Then she smiles so lovingly he felt his heart would jump out of his chest._

"_I love you too."_

"_I wouldn't be happier anywhere else."_

She let out an almost silent sob when she opened her eyes and realized this was nothing but a flashback. A memory. Kaidan was not here behind her, snuggling with her under the same blanket. Kaidan was not breathing down her ear and telling her he loves her while he wrapped his arms around her. She hid her face in her knees as the rain started to fall. It's like the heavens knew her pain.

"Shepard." She looked up and saw Liara. Liara came closer and sat down next to her. "Someone wants to talk with you. And I let him in." Shepard's heartbeat increased.

"Who?" Then a dark figure entered the living room, and her heart broke at the sight of him so broken. Because of her. "James..." He greeted her with a nod, his eyes fixed on the floor. Liara silently made her way out of the living room and closed the door. James didn't move, he just stood there and stared at the floor. Shepard readjusted and patted the place next to her. James hesitated for a while, but then decided to give in and to sit down beside her. She tugged a strand of hair behind her ear as she searched for the right words. James did the same. He stared at his hands as he took a deep breath to speak.

"I...I came here to apologize, Lola. I hope you will at least hear me out." She was silent and she didn't look up at him. James took another deep breath and closed his eyes as he decided to speak. "I'm sorry that I freaked out. But the things he told me...I just couldn't listen to that rubbish. I know I shouldn't beat him while he was drunk, but at that time I had only one thing in mind." He opened his eyes and turned his head to her. "The things he told me, Lola. That...if I'd propose you that you would leave me as well." Shepard swallowed the big lump down her throat. Her eyes blinked rapidly to suppress the tears, but James wasn't finished yet. "All the time I've been thinking and fearing that this could happen to me as well." She just stared at the floor and that freaked him out. "Lola please say something." Then she turned her head to him.

"Why are you even thinking about what he said? Are you thinking about proposing me?" Her question was harsh. James found himself in an awkward situation.

"I, I don't know!" He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. "Maybe, maybe not. I don't want to put you under pressure."

"Well that's exactly what you're doing!" She crossed her hands in front of her chest and averted her gaze at the wall. James furrowed his eyebrows together as he realized what she just said.

"Asking you to marry me would mean I put you under pressure?!"

"Yes."

"Lola...what's your problem?" He asked in disbelief of the revelation.

"That's none of your concern."

"None of MY CONCERN?!" He stood up and paced up and down a line. He was getting angrier because she constantly blocked him. "I am your boyfriend Lola! I love you more than anything! And now when we talk about possible marriage stuff you're saying I shouldn't put you under pressure?!"

"Yes James! Exactly! Because I wouldn't be a good wife!" She yelled back at him. Now he was even more confused.

"What are you talking about?!" He asked harshly, not caring about lowering his voice. She yanked the blanket aside and stood up to face him.

"Because I wasn't made to be a good wife! I'm a woman that nobody would want to have as a wife James! I can't make anyone happy as a wife!" She yelled, and that's when the tears fell. Loud sobs filled the room as she stumbled backwards towards the couch. She hid her face in her palms and fell on the couch as she cried and cried. James watched her stunned and confused. He couldn't understand her.

"Lola...what the hell are you talking about? Why do you think that way?" She cried more violently now, her entire body shaking as her cries slowly turned into screams. That's when Liara came back. She and James shared a glance of confusion before she sat down next to Shepard. She hugged her as she cried and cried. James's mouth fell open, his eyes wide with confusion. "Lola-"

"Stop calling me Lola!" She said harshly as she broke the hug with Liara. Her angry eyes glared at him, but suddenly she softened. Like all her anger disappeared in the blink of an eye. Now he was even more confused. "James..." She whispered, her watery eyes now looking at him. She swallowed hard and tugged a strand of hair behind her ear. "I'll stay here for a few days. Then we will talk. Please...give me a little time to cool down." His heart broke. He watched her silently for a long moment. Liara turned her head to him and their eyes met for a brief moment. Then she nodded, showing him it's fine that she stays here. James closed his eyes but nodded before he turned away from her, hurt and defeated. He turned back seconds later and watched her for another long moment. His heart told him to hug her and to tell her everything is going to be fine. But no. She told him she needed some space, and he would give her exactly that.

Sad and hurt he made his way out of the living room, then out of the apartment. His heart was shattered, broken. But he would give her all the time she needs. He would do anything if it means she would come back to him.

####

A thunder echoed in the far distance. The dark grey clouds covered the sky. The rain fell heavily from them and hit the window hard. He watched the rain fall. It reminded him of a time when he was happy and carefree. It reminded him of the time when he was in love. He still was. But the person he loved wasn't here. She would be in his embrace now, both would listen to the rain, both would watch the raindrops on the window. Then, after what would feel like an eternity of watching the rain, they would make love, right on the couch. He would tell her how much he loves her, how he couldn't imagine his life without her. She would tell him the same. She would watch him with those sapphire blue eyes and they would trap him in their sweet heaven. He would watch those soft lips as his name left them. He would lean his head on her chest and listen to her frantic heartbeat until she calms down.

They would feel the bliss together, both sweaty and breathing in each others scent. He would feel her soft and warm skin pressed on his. Everything of her was like heaven to him. But now she was gone in the arms of another man. He cried the entire time as the rain fell, silently, the lump in his throat remaining and almost choking him. Around his shoulders warming him was her blanket, the baby blue blanket with a single flower motive on one end of it. It still smelled like her and reminded him of her. Just like the pictures of them placed on the nearby shelves.

His head was hurting, both from a migraine and the beating from James. Even though he was drunk he could remember everything. But especially he remembered her words of hate and heartbreak. He repeated it in his mind the entire day and he couldn't shake the feeling of guilt away. All he wanted was to know why she never gave him an answer. Only that. He never wanted to ruin her happiness. He should go to her and apologize, but to him that seemed like a bad idea. James could be there and he didn't want to ruin everything again with his apology.

Kaidan took a very deep, shaky breath as he closed his eyes. He would listen to the rain and imagine them, together and happy. He would imagine her in a white dress with a small bouquet of red roses walking towards him. He let out a loud sob. Then he would imagine her standing before him saying 'I do'. He let out another loud sob, his entire body shaking with it. Then he would remember her saying 'I love you'. And that's when Kaidan broke completely. His loud sobs and cries of heartbreak and sadness filled the room. His head fell on the couch, his hands grabbing the blanket tightly and pulling it to his nose. He inhaled deeply, and again the memories of her haunted him. Yet they gave him peace. Everything was only a memory now. Memories on which he would cling to forever.


	12. Chapter 12

The clouds were covering the sky. The wind was blowing, cooling his already soaked clothes and wet skin. But he didn't care. He was here for a reason. He was here because he waited for her. They didn't spoke to each other for two weeks, he always thinking that she needs a little more time for herself. That she'll come back. But two weeks she ignored him. Two weeks she didn't answer his calls nor did she call him. Enough was enough. He called Liara and told her to tell her he would wait for her today, here in the park, to settle things. She was five minutes late until a cab stopped not far from him. Then a familiar redhead stepped out. Heat immediately cursed through his body and his heart leapt.

She did nothing but watch him for a few moments, her hands wrapped around her waist. Her eyes blinking rapidly as the rain fell on both of them. But none cared. Finally she found the courage to get closer. Slowly she approached him until she stood in front of him. James ached to hug her but he didn't know if he was allowed to. The rain fell down their faces and soaked their clothes as they watched each other.

"Lola..." He whispered loud enough so she could hear him. Her eyes met his and again he ached to hug her. But she just stood there, not moving and hugging her own waist. James couldn't be silent any longer. "I am worried, Lola." She smiled, but the smile was weak. Forced, even.

"I'm fine, James." A thunder was heard in the distance, but none cared. James wanted to know where they are now.

"Lola...I'm confused. I mean, are we-" He silenced. He couldn't finish the sentence. Shepard looked away for a while and took a deep breath before she looked back at him.

"I still can't get the evening when you two beat each other out of my head." She shook her head. "I didn't want neither of you to beat each other like this." She whispered but he heard it. James took a step closer and gently grabbed her upper hands. That made her look into his eyes.

"I love you Shepard." She looked away again and swallowed hard. She was silent which was never a good thing. "Lola?" Then she took a backwards step. James felt like his heart sunk into the ground. She looked at the ground, her heartbeat frantic. As much as it pained her to do it, she had to. Liara was right.

"I'm sorry James," she finally said before she looked up at him again "but...this can't go on like this." She choked the last out, and then she started to cry. James's eyes widened in fear as he took another step closer, but she just took another backwards step. Again, his heart broke.

"Lola...what do you mean 'this can't go on like this'?" She took a deep, shaky breath as the tears fell freely down her face, along with the rain. "What do you mean?! I love you! Doesn't that mean anything to you?!" He yelled now, his voice breaking at each word. Her heart clenched, but she had to do this. None of this was right.

"And I love you, James." She silenced for a while, then slowly lifted her eyes to meet his. She took a deep breath and readied her voice for what she's about to say. "But...I can't love you entirely." James just watched her, frozen and almost lifeless. His eyes were wide in disbelief, but then he started to put things together. Piece by piece, until the puzzle was complete.

"I see." He silenced and averted his eyes to the ground. Then swallowed hard as the tears burned his eyes from the realization. "You love him." Then he looked at her again. "And you never stopped loving him." He took a few slow backwards steps until he was far enough from her. He swallowed the big lump down his throat, his heart shattering to pieces. He couldn't look at her anymore. "So you're going back to him." Her head shot up at that.

"What? No!" She said shaking her head. "I've done a lot of damage. And the least I could do is...well, leave him in peace." She whispered the last one out which broke her heart. James shifted awkwardly still looking at the ground.

"Then why are you leaving me?" She took a deep breath as a wind as sharp as knife cut through their wet clothes. But again, none cared.

"Because you deserve someone who will love you with all her heart. Someone who will give you what I couldn't. And someone who would make a good wife, who would give you a lot of kids." Her voice broke at the last sentence. James just watched her, grateful for the rain because he cried now.

"I love you...Lola I love you." He said, desperately trying to make things right. To have her in his arms again and to forget this. She just shook her head and took another backwards step.

"I'm sorry." He let out a sob, but the thunder muffled it. He took a step closer, she took a step backwards.

"Lola...please." She shook her head and tugged the jacket around her neck.

"I'm sorry James." Both stopped and didn't move. Both crying now and both cold. James swallowed hard as two last tears fell down his face. Then he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He had to accept her decision. Even though it almost killed him. After a long moment he opened his eyes and locked them with hers. There he saw regret and guilt. One thing he had to tell her though, even though that was none of his concern any more.

"He would want to know, you know." Why did she hurt those wonderful men was beyond her. But she felt extremely guilty. He saw the confusion on her face and in her eyes. "The reason why you didn't marry him." She nodded weakly and stared at the ground again.

"I know...and I will tell him as soon as possible." James only managed to nod as he took a backwards step, then another. His hands were balled into fists, his heart clenching. But he loved her. And he would do anything for her happiness.

"Goodbye Lola." He said before he turned and hastily left. Shepard watched his back until he disappeared into the distance. Then she fell on her knees, her hands still hugged around her waist. Her eyes still fixed on the path James just walked.

"Goodbye...James." She whispered to herself. Time stopped around her as she watched the way he left. She knew this is goodbye and that she would never see him again. This is it. Slowly, after what felt like hours she called another cab. She released James and gave him a chance to find someone who will love him with all her heart. Shepard would be happy for him because he deserves it. Someone else deserves to be called Lola by him. She only hoped he would find her.

Letting out a heavy sigh she stepped out of the cab half an hour later. She entered Liara's apartment and silently entered the bathroom. She took a hot shower and minutes later she was lying in her bed, staring at the ceiling. Now she had to find all her strength and focus. She would need all her strength because she would face Kaidan. It was enough with her lies and hiding away. She would locate him, then go to him. Then she would tell him everything, including the reason why she didn't marry him. He deserves that much.


	13. Chapter 13

A month later...

After so much time of searching, she finally found him. Even she, as Commander, had her struggles to find where he moved to. But she did it. And now she was here, standing on a playground where lots of kids were running around. Her bag was in one hand where the other carried a map. One that showed his location. It was near this playground and Shepard wondered if he chose this place on purpose. She looked around. Mother's and father's were either playing with their kids or watching over them while talking with the other parents. It was so peaceful here. But the sight of children made Shepard sad and it questioned her decision of telling him everything.

She was deep in thought as she stood there, looking at the map first then looking around to see where his building could be. Then she caught someone playing with a little girl while a woman stood near them. Shepard's heart sunk into oblivion. In an instant her heart shattered to pieces and everything she wanted went forgotten when she spotted Kaidan, happily lifting the girl on his shoulder and running around with her. The woman stood a little more away and watched them. Then her eyes fell on Shepard and the smile vanished from her face. She had black hair, and when Kaidan stopped he looked at the woman with a questioning look on his face.

"Laura, everything okay?" Laura shifted nervously, never taking her eyes off of Shepard. Kaidan turned his head as well, and that's when something stabbed his heart. There she was, the love of his life. His missing piece. "Shepard." The little girl ran to Laura and asked who she is. Kaidan turned to Laura, then back to Shepard when he realized what this looked like. What she could think this is. "This is not what you think. I can explain." Shepard shook her head and smiled as she took slow and careful backwards steps.

"It's okay. I'm happy for you." She choked out, tears already falling down her cheeks. Then she turned and almost ran away. Kaidan ran towards her and reached his hand out for her. He grabbed her wrist and spun her around. She could see the desperation written on his face.

"She's my sister. And that's her daughter." A stone fell from her heart. She smiled weakly and closed her eyes, her mind and heart hundred times lighter. Kaidan stopped in front of her, looking at the ground.

"Oh I- I thought-"

"Don't be silly Shepard. The girl is five years old." She chuckled and sniffed as she tugged a strand of hair behind her ear. Somewhat ashamed for her suspicion.

"Sorry." She said nervously. Kaidan couldn't take his eyes off of her. His mind torturing him with questions. He never thought he would see her again.

"Ah...what are you doing here?" He asked hesitantly. She swallowed hard and watched his chest, unable to meet his gaze.

"I, uhm, I...came here to- to talk." Kaidan took a very deep breath and averted his eyes at the sky.

"I thought everything was said and done." His voice was low and shaking. She heard the laughter and talk of children in the background. Again her heart clenched.

"No...it isn't."

"It's not? After everything that happened I think it's clear about who you are with." His voice was bitter. She blinked a few times, his words stabbing her heart.

"I have to explain a few things, Kaidan. But only if you like." He took a deep, cleansing breath. Then he watched her for a long time, noticing that she's alone. His curiosity won and he hated himself for that.

"Where is he?" Shepard closed her eyes for a moment, knowing well who he referred to.

"He's gone." Kaidan let out a long breath as he looked back at her.

"What happened?" She took a deep, shaky breath. Kaidan knew her too well to know that the answer pained her.

"We argued and I told him I don't love him anymore."

"Sorry to hear that." His voice became soft again and that brought a small smile on her face.

"Don't be," she said chuckling weakly "it's for the greater good I suppose. He deserves someone who will love him with all her heart." Her voice trailed off. Kaidan took another deep breath and closed his eyes as the silence stretched between them. Shepard watched him, her eyes blinking rapidly while she searched for the right words. "We don't have to talk, Kaidan. If you don't want to, I'll understand-"

"Just-" Kaidan never looked away from her, but he had to interrupt her. He needed to have a silent moment. He saw the confused and scared look she send him. He shook his head and sighed before he locked his eyes with hers. "Just be silent for a while. Please." And they were silent. Time passed by, both just stood there, silently enjoying each others presence while staring at the ground. A while later a ball hit Shepard's legs. She watched the ball, then looked up only to see a girl running towards her. Shepard smiled and threw the ball in front of the girls feet. The girl send her a bright smile and a loud 'thank you' before she turned and ran back to her friends. Again her heart broke as she swallowed the big lump down her throat, watching the girl as she ran away.

Kaidan saw the pain on her face, the longing for something. He didn't know why, but something told him she suffered greatly. Letting out a long breath he locked his eyes with hers. Then he found the courage to speak, finally.

"We can talk. But not here. And not now." He whispered, only for her ears. Shepard's heart skipped a beat. "I'll need some time to process that, this. I-"

"It's okay." She said while nodding, then she took out a card. "Here, my number." Kaidan watched the card, then smiled almost bitterly.

"Shepard...I still have your number."

"Right." Somewhat ashamed, she put the card back in her pocket. Kaidan just watched her, unable to move or breathe, trying desperately to think straight. But he couldn't. Not when her eyes trapped him in their sweet heaven. She smiled nervously and her shoulders shrugged. "Uhm...I'm staying at a nearby motel. I'll wait as long as you need. I will wait until you're ready to talk." She whispered, Kaidan just nodded as answer. Shepard looked over his shoulder at Laura, smiled and waved her hand. "Hello." Laura just smiled reassuringly and nodded before she turned to her daughter. Shepard watched Kaidan again, his eyes warming her heart and trapping her. "Well I, uhm, I'll see you around."

"Yeah." Kaidan whispered hoarsely. She nodded until she finally found the strength to turn away from him. She walked towards the street, still feeling his gaze resting on her back. Once she reached the street she stopped a nearby cab. Before she entered though, she turned to him and send him a smile. Then she entered and the cab drove off.

Kaidan watched her, then he watched the cab the entire time until it disappeared. His mind was torn apart. The woman he loved most and the woman that hurt him most, was here. In the same city where he lived now. He thought after he left a month ago that he would never see her again. But here she was. She was looking for him, and somehow that thought brought him a small amount of happiness. But the rift that was between them, the pain he felt because of her rejection, was still too deep and fresh to be ignored. He sighed, hoping to clear his mind to think straight. But to no avail. Her blue eyes, her smile, her lips, her hair. Everything on her was just perfect for him. He so wanted to hug her, to kiss her and make everything as it once was. He wanted to be hers again.

But there was also the other part of his mind that feared she would do the same things again. He shook his head as he realized he stood there longer than he intended. Confused and torn apart he made his way home. She wanted to talk, to tell him everything and why all of this happened. Finally he would know what stopped her from saying yes. His heart still had to process the thought of facing her. He would talk to her once he's ready. But he would need some time to gather the courage necessary to face her. And he would need a little distance from her.


End file.
